foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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