how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
