I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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