Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
