i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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