Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
