I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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