I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
