last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
