So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
