were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
