At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
