he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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