I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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