I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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