just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
