I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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