That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
