She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
