If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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