god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
