I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
