I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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