So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
