I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
