I can't watch pbs sober anymore
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
