i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
