I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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