It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
