you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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