go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
