Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
