Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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