Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
