just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
