that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
