The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
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Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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