If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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