he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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