Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
