Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Randomize
