ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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