i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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