just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
