I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
