woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
