I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize