That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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