I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
