I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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