I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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