Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
