im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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