Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
