I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
