then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Farmville is her only friend.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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