She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
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there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
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so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.