Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.