mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings