So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
