My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How does it feel to date your dad?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
