she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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