Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
