You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just had sex bonerless
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
