I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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