Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
