my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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