I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
