I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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