His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
