I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
