also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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