I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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