is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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